It is a commitment I spent years looking for. I used to try to find it in fellow human wanderers, but I often was let down with disappointment, abandonment, and rejection. I looked for it in the desires of my human nature but found only fading pleasure.

I grew up in an environment that loved truth in disproportion to mercy. An environment that focused on outward works more than on the love of God. And for years I held tightly to those standards myself. I judged others by their appearance and lifestyle. Holding others to standards that we believed were God-given mattered more than accepting them with mercy, grace, and understanding. If someone did not live within my box of what I perceived to be true and right, I deemed them fallen away from God.

After I became a Christian as a young teenager, I spent years living in defeat and darkness. I spent my days fighting with hopelessness, suicidal depression, and crippling anxiety. And soon came to believe that God had made a mistake when He created me. I resented Him for creating me only to then to abandon me to such darkness.

            I am going to be honest. I feel intimidated. A new year. A new number. Another year of my life has passed. And I hope and pray it has been a year of much purpose and growth. Looking into a new year scares me. How am I going to live it? Will it be a victorious year? Will I break free from more darkness? Live it with more purposeful and passionate faith?

A deep, raw unfolding of Christmas and grief.