Have you ever been disappointed in your faith?
I know I have. Many times. My readers know about the darkness I used to live in for years so I will not delve into that now. But I will say that there were so many moments in which I cried out to God, I had people pray over me, yet I always went back home only for the darkness to continue. Only for God to grow even more distant and silent. Or so my disappointment told me. I became disappointed so many times that I began to be afraid to even try another time. I had experienced too many moments of seeming rejection and abandonment
Here is what I really think was happening. I believed that it would take only one prayer for me to be instantly struggle-free and perfect. But that never happened. I am not saying that God does not instantly heal and save at times. But I am saying that it was not my experience. I believed that being a Christian meant to be perfect all the time. That once you believe and are saved that is it. I did not understand the process of sanctification. I could not accept my human nature. And so, I constantly did not feel good enough. I tried so hard to be good. Yet God was still silent and distant.
Recently I have been learning something vastly different about God and the Christian life. I am learning that He is full of love and compassion towards me. I am learning that God’s love for me never changes. In my ugly moments He loves me just the same as in my best moments. I am learning that nothing I do can make me more undeserving or deserving of His grace and love.
And I am learning that:
“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”
(Romans 8:1+2)
So, I am learning to live freely in the grace and love of God. To embrace being human. To accept both the good and the bad parts of me. Because God does. And I am learning to run to Him rather than away from Him. Because He understands and accepts all of me, as it says in Hebrews 4:15+16:
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
If there is anyone who wants to keep me from the life of joy and freedom in God, it is the enemy.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.”
(John 10:10)
And slowly, as I am relearning these truths about God, the healing that I had spent years praying for is happening. I have never been freer than I am now. And God is the only one who could have ever made it happen. He is my Saviour!
He can be your Saviour too. He will meet you in your story exactly the way you need it. And He will bring you out of your despair. I am sure of it.
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