Last Sunday, my church had a potluck lunch after the service. A beautiful couple joined my sister and me at our table and struck up a conversation with us. Since we are “newer” to my church still, it was a “get to know you” kind of conversation. And naturally, I had to tell them parts of my past, to help them get to know me.
Toward the end of the conversation, the gentleman asked a profound question I have kept on thinking about all week. It was profound because nobody had ever asked me this about my past. He asked,
“What was the hardest part?”
I quickly blurted out an answer that came to me in the moment. But I have since deeply thought about what truly the hardest part of my past was.
I could have said it was the moments of such deep mental anguish that I thought I was literally losing my mind. I could have said it was the hours I spent battling panic and anxiety attacks every day. I could have said it was the feeling I had that my life was completely shattered after admitting myself to the psychiatric ward. I could have said that it was keeping my stay in the hospital a secret from my family because I knew that I would not receive support from them in this decision.
The only thing that kept me during that time were songs. In particular Danny Gokey’s song "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again":
"You're shattered like you've never been before
The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be.
Beginning, just let that word wash over you
It's alright now, love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun
Let every heartbreak, and every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment, heaven's working
Everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again."
The memory of this time in my life still leaves me all teared up.
I could probably point to many of these kinds of moments and say they were the hardest part of my story. But, you know, pinpointing the hardest part of my past is really not that important. What is important is that in those weeks spent in the psychiatric ward, God met me in the middle of what I felt was the most shattered time of my life.
God!! He met me in the place no one else I loved was willing to meet me.
The depth of this realization causes me to cry even now. God, who was holding the universe together, came to meet me?!! For years, I had thought that He just was not interested in me. That I was a mistake of His creation.
But it all changed then
I met the most Perfect Love in this whole universe.
And what really matters is the journey I get to be on with Him today.
The healing. The peace. The freedom. The purpose. The deep, deep love. This is what I want to tell you about.
Because if you are finding yourself in a shattered situation, this God will meet you too. Allow this circumstance, this challenge, this difficulty to remind you:
“Who has carried you this far. 'Cause love sees farther than you ever could. In this moment, heaven's working everything for your good.”
Even if no one is walking with you, God will.
“The LORD is with you, mighty warrior.”
Judges 6:12
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