Around midnight last night I was driving back home from the Passion Play while having songs play on Spotify to keep me awake. When the intro to one of the songs began playing I was immediately transported in my memories to the camper in which this song had become my battle song.
Five years ago this summer I was staying in a camper under the oak trees at my sister’s place. My life had completely broken down. Even though I was trying to help my sister out with her housework as much as I could, I spent most of my time on the floor of that camper with my Bible open in front of me, crying out in anguish to God, to gain just a few moments of peace from the torment in my mind and heart. Often, I played songs that helped me gain strength for another hour of my life. And this is where Jeremy Camp’s song “I Still Believe” was played on repeat as I battled for every minute of my life.
(I can’t even go back to these memories without crying for the pain the young woman in that camper experienced.)
And that young woman was me!!
During my stay in that camper I had begun seeing a Christian counselor. In my sessions with her, I couldn’t talk. So she gave me the homework of making a timeline of my life on which I listed all the dominant memories of my life. And as I sat at that table working on my timeline with my chest feeling like there was an elephant sitting on it, I had the song “I Still Believe” blasting on my phone.
"Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see
I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But it's now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see
I still believe
Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers
Well, in brokenness, I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see
I still believe."
- Jeremy Camp -
As I was transported back to those memories last night, I also thought of a conversation I had with one of my sisters at our family gathering the weekend before.
And I remembered how I said to her that now I get to live in the reality of the prayers I prayed five years ago.
Like, there is literally no comparison between my life now and my life five years ago.
Five years ago I could barely cook a meal without spiraling into an anxiety attack that I then spent an hour recovering from on my knees. Now, I work daily at an amazing childcare centre (the job of my dreams). And I come home to cook a meal, water my garden, etc.
Five years ago I was questioning God, my faith, and my desire to be alive.
Today I get to worship the God who has been so, so good to me all of my life.
I can’t even fathom the difference. But I know a God to whom nothing is impossible
And I am amazed at how He has changed my destiny!!
All glory to Him!!
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