A deep, raw unfolding of Christmas and grief.
It is Christmas. A season of merriness and light. Of gatherings and relationships. Of peace and giving. Of delicious cookies and turkeys. Of scents of pine and cinnamon.
It is a beautiful season to remember that Jesus was born in a manger. A season of singing about silent nights and joy to the world. A season of programs and candle lighting.
Amidst these joyful happenings, I think of you. I am wondering how you are doing. Where are you? How is your heart feeling? How are you spending Christmas this year?
I think of you because I know where I am. It has been years since I celebrated. At the start of the season my heart was happy. Christmas music and cookie making brought me joy. But now. Now my heart is heavy. There are no gatherings to go to. No festive tables that foster relationships. No cozy evenings around the fire sipping hot cocoa.
I realize it is grief. Deep grief. Grief over a broken family. Over relationships that are shallow. Grief that there are no family traditions over which to bond. Grief triggered by the festivity and joy of those around me. By families who are spending time together. By those who find delight in the season.
You might be feeling it too. And that is why I write. The deep loneliness and grief. Going to church surrounded by festivities brings you more sadness than joy. You keep attending but it is not filling you like it does others. Because somehow pain does not seem to fit with Christmas. The burden in your heart feels too heavy for the season. And you are growing disappointed. Where is God in all of this? What is the purpose for the whole celebration? Your heart feels forgotten.
But isn’t this the reason for the season? Is it not for our burden and grief Jesus was born? Should Christmas not be more about our hearts not being okay? Should the church sing more carols about the pain that Jesus came to meet? Songs like Casting Crowns’ Somewhere in Your Silent Night or Anne Wilson’s Just Because It’s Christmas.
"Just because it’s Christmas, doesn’t mean your heart don’t hurt.
Just because it’s Christmas, doesn’t mean there’s peace on earth.
Joy to all the world can be the hardest time of year.
But see the star even here.
Bring your wounded heart to the manger,
Fall down at the feet of the King
When the thrills of hope don’t find you
He loves you just the same.
You don’t have to be okay,
Just because it’s Christmas.
He’s healing for the broken and He’s home for all the lost.
He’s comfort for the weary, sent from Heaven just for us.
So you don’t have to hide your questions deep within your soul
Emmanuel already knows."
- Anne Wilson
It is this song that holds me this Christmas. I may feel alone. I may feel saddened. I may feel broken. But that is why God came as Emmanuel. To make His habitation within me, so that I no longer must be alone. I do not have to stay saddened. I do not have to stay broken. He came to be with me in all that I feel I have lost.
So, if this Christmas, festivities and joy are too much for your heart to hold, let your heart be held by the comfort of the love, grace, and compassion of our God, who didn’t think it was too much to come to be with us – Emmanuel.
Photo credit: Lydia Unruh
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I think of Mary and Joseph as I read this. They were very likely experiencing ostracism and possibly estrangement from some of their family around the birth of Jesus. Yes his birth is a cause for celebration however, he came to suffer and carry our sorrows and griefs.
I am incredibly grateful for tart.