Change. Is. Hard.
Stress. Is. Hard.
And for the last two months it’s been a constant flow of change and stress for me. It’s been mostly positive change and stress with a few negative ones mixed in-between. I’ve been coordinating many details for my sister’s wedding. I’ve planned a bridal shower. I switched rooms at my job to a role of a little more leadership. I moved into the cutest little basement apartment that dear friends have so kindly offered to me.
While at work or in social settings you may see me smiling and talking, yet when I’m in my own little safe space, I have tears always ready to spill over the brim of my eyes. And I cry for reasons that are unknown to me. Or I sit and stare into space or scroll on my phone while my mind feels numb.
How do I do keep going?
I honestly don’t know. Sometimes it feels like it takes all my sheer willpower to face another day. It’s been taking a toll on me. Yet every day I have the strength to make it through another day. And sometimes the pain of experiencing depression again keeps me choosing to simply do the next right thing: show up at work, attend the college class, have the conversation, and host the bridal shower.
Yet before you believe that I am simply a strong person who can do so because of how I’ve overcome my past, I need to disappoint you.
It’s not my own willpower or determination that is helping me walk through these things.
Today I will boldly say that it is God.
Even though I may not feel Him much these days, I have reason to believe that He has not left me. Because I couldn’t do it on my own.
And these words ring through my mind:
“When has he ever failed me?
When has He been untrue?
Down in the lowest valley
He still comes through.”
God has kept me safe in the years of the suicidal depression of my past. He has delivered me from all the mental anguish of those years. And I know He will not let me go now either.
“So I’m calling on His mighty name
And I’m resting in His saving grace
There’s only one who calms the storm
And He’ll be faithful now, Like He’s been faithful before.”
And I need to trust the days, the weeks, and the challenges ahead all to Him. Because He will come through for me again as He has before.
“I don’t know how He’ll do it
I just know He will.”
And it's only in this thought that I find true peace and strength!
Add comment
Comments