After a conversation around the campfire on the weekend, I have been thinking about whether there is any sin or darkness too dark for God to be able to forgive and redeem. This has led me to think a lot about my own past.
During the fifteen years that I lived with depression, I filled countless pages of journals with dark thoughts of death. When no relief came, the entries began to also include deep-seated self-hatred. And eventually also led to accusations towards God for all the things He didn’t meet me in. In the last few years of being unable to cope with the mental darkness my mind also began filling with horrible thoughts towards people.
Then I spent about nine months desperately crying out to the Lord to save me from my mental bondage. I placed all my hope in God. They were the nine loneliest months of my life as my mental health and nervous system completely broke down.
That was five years ago. Yet these memories still bring me to tears. And I still can’t comprehend how I came through all the anguish and darkness alive!!
All I can say is that it was God.
When I didn’t think He was invested in my life, He was. When I thought that He was distant, He was more than close.
Five years ago in September God began moving in my life. Light began to invade the darkness I was living in. I began to experience the amazing love of God that met me in my hell. And I began to feel free again. Yet I continued to go into lows of depression. And I stumbled into other darkness and sins that threatened to consume me.
But God never let go of me!!
Instead He has given me a peace that passes all understanding. He has blessed me beyond measure in more ways than I can count.
And it’s not because I lived a perfect life. Not at all. Humanly speaking, I don’t feel like I deserved this grace. But…
“God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
John 3:16
God loves me and you so much that He freely gives us this grace.
There is no sin or darkness that you and I can do or experience that will limit His love.
Because it is by His grace that we are saved!!
So, if you’re out there today wondering if your past or your sin is too big for God to forgive, don’t let that keep you from searching for His peace. Because if He could redeem my mental darkness and the sins I’ve stumbled in, then He will welcome you with open arms too.
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