Summer. It’s a delightful season. There are beaches to go to. There are camping events to attend. So many beautiful flowers everywhere. And the garden itself is a miracle to witness. It is truly a delight.
But this summer, I’m noticing that I am missing something deeply that I have gotten used to having in my life this past year.
It’s my church community and the fellowship I find within it. All programs shut down for the summer. And there is only the Sunday morning church service to attend every week. And as beautiful as those are, I am still missing connection and belonging.
I suppose this goes to say just how very important a close community is to stay grounded and secure in my personal life. And I realize that I really don’t have a community outside of what I was finding in my Sunday mornings before summer came around.
I understand why those programs all shut down. I do. Many people travel and go on vacation. Yet to someone who doesn’t have family or finances to go on vacation with, this season can be utterly lonesome.
And then there is the busyness of growing a garden. And it drains me. Maybe it triggers me. Because the last few years in my depression I could not handle the busyness of the summer season. It overwhelmed my already overwhelmed mind to a large degree. And my mind responded by shutting down. And that is exactly what I’ve been feeling this week as well. My mind is wanting to shut down. It wants to go back into survival mode.
Now how do I combat the loneliness and overwhelm when there is no community to find connection in?
I’m not sure. I blast worship music while I work and tears sting my eyes. I listen to podcasts. I try to find community elsewhere.
And I cry out to God with these words…
“ When the best of me is barely breathin'
When I'm not somebody I believe in
Hold on to me
When I miss the light, the night has stolen
When I'm slammin' all the doors You've opened
Hold on to me
Hold on to me when it's too dark to see You
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You
When I let go, hold me again
When I don't feel like I'm worth defending
When I'm tired of all my pretending
Hold on to me
When I start to break in desperation
Underneath the weight of expectation
Hold on to me
Hold on to me when it's too dark to see You
When I am sure I have reached the end
Hold on to me when I forget I need You
When I let go, hold me again
I could rest here in Your arms forever
'Cause I know nobody loves me better
Hold on to me.
- Lauren Daigle
And somewhere in my heart I try to find the trust that God will meet me in this ironic darkness during the brightest season as He has before.
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